Social Referencing & Christmas

 What are Your Emotions Teaching Children about Christmas?

“...children look to their parents to know how to feel and how to respond.” Daniel J. Siegel. p. 18-2

 The Holidays are an emotionally charged time of year for children.

For some it is a wonderful time of the year, full of expectation, love, family and joy.  While for others the season is understood through emotions of fear, sadness, disappointment and loneliness.  

A child's emotional understanding of Christmas is developed by watching their primary care givers at this time of year.  Daniel Siegel describes this as social referencing, children look to their parent's to determine how they should emotionally respond.

This means that as parents our emotional responses will colour how our children experience and remember Christmas. 

If we stress about money, getting the perfect gift, cooking, and visiting family, our children will experience Christmas through emotions tainted with stress and they are at risk of finding  Christmas stressful for the rest of their lives.

When our Christmas preparations are about creating time for positive relationships, when we create a Christmas experience within our budget and enjoy ourselves, this is the foundation upon which our children will build positive Christmas traditions. 

As I talk and share holiday stories Siegel's social referencing holds true.  Many of the individuals who down play Christmas or describe it as stressful found their childhood Christmases to be this way.  They described parents fighting over money, Christmas parties with too much drinking and extended family functions where people fought. 

For people who look forward to Christmas there were stories of making cookies with parents or grandparents, family traditions around decorating the Christmas tree and large family gatherings with laughter, singing and joy.

Money or lack thereof did not factor into whether the experience was a good or bad experience, it was about emotional behaviors of their parents.

Children are held hostage at this time of year.  All around them advertising and social media tells them they should be happy and at home; they may or may not know this to be true.  Pleasure and fun within the context of strong relationship is what happy Christmas memories are made of - not the gifts.

This Christmas how much of your preparation time is about joy within family relationships?

Grandma Snyder

 ©2013-2014  twosnydergirls

 

Delving into the past

In my last post "What's in a name" I mentioned a plate that I received from my Grandmother, Barbara Roth. She told me she wanted me to have the plate because she got it from her grandmother, who was also named Barbara. Being in my teens at the time I didn't ask further questions. And of course, now it is too late.

I work at First Mennonite Church in Kitchener and frequently have people coming into my office looking for the grave site of a relative. Our records are limited, but if someone is buried there I can usually find a location. I've also learned from these people about other on-line tools for finding ancestors.

This got me to thinking about my own great-great grandmother, about whom I knew only a first name. Could I find more?

I started at with a marvellous source, The Eby Book, now kept at the Joseph Schneider Haus in Kitchener.  This is a book written by Ezra Eby about 1895, listing the Mennonite family in and around Waterloo Region. From there I discovered EzraEby.com, where Allan Detweiler has done an incredible job continuing the work Ezra started.

I did a search on this site and found my Grandma:

Then I searched both her parents, finding her mother Katie's mother, Barbara Erb:

So here is the original owner of my plate. I do wish I knew more about this woman who died in 1876, before my Grandma was even born! And about this plate, which doesn't seem very Amish to me. 

As Barbara Erb's parents were born in Europe (continuing my backward search), did they bring the plate to the New World? Or was it acquired here? This record doesn't say if Barbara was born in Wilmot Township, only that she died here. She was only in her forties when she died. With at least nine living children the youngest only two years old. How sad.

But as I clicked on various family members I discovered an interesting fact. Bishop John P Gascho remarried after his wife's death: to Barbara Erb - another one! 

Were the two Barbaras related? The second one didn't marry until her forties, never had children of her own, but took on a big family. And lived to be 96. Was this one the original owner of the plate?

Seems the more questions I get answered the more I have!

Grandparents Providing Child Care

Grandparents Providing Child Care

Grandparents providing childcare for their grandchildren is an increasing phenomenon in the industrial world, whereas in the developing world grandparents, primarily grandmothers have always been the back bone of the family childcare system.  

  

In the industrial world there was a swing in the 80’s and 90’s to using formal daycare for  childcare when mothers returned to the workforce.  Since 2008 there has been an move back to the use of grandparents.

Wells, (2012) reported that between 2008 and 2012 the number of children who received daycare services from grandparents increased by 19% - going from 26% to 45% in Australia with USA, Canada and the United Kingdom reporting similar trends.

 

Statham, (2011) found that grandparents fall into four categories of childcare providers.

Avid -caregivers whose lives revolved around their grandchildren

Flexible - caregivers who were concerned with family but also gave some priority to their personal time

Selective - caregivers whose grandchildren are an important part of their lives but who did not want to be defined simply as grandparents

Hesitant - caregivers who did not anticipate caring for their grandchildren” (Statham, 2011)

Paul provides care for Emily and Ruth on an average of 8 hours a week.  This is an activity that he find emotionally very rewarding and as reported in the research at times physically draining.  

Paul is a flexible caregiver.  He is able to say no to care-giving when there other priorities that need his attention, he balances his role as grandparent, with that of father, husband and community member.

No one style of care-giving is better or worse.  It is important however that grandparents think about what their style of care-giving is and that they communicate what they are prepared to offer honestly.  That they set good boundaries for themselves and their children.

As a couple grandparents needs to talk about the potential differences in their styles and expectations of care-giving.  Looking after grandchildren should not become a marital stress or a point of resentment within an extended family system.  

Like everything else in life being a respected and respectful grandparent requires good communication and self awareness.

Grandma Snyder

© 2013-2014 twosnydergirls

Reference

Statham, J. (2011). Grandparents providing child care Briefing Paper. UK: Childhood wellbeing research.

Wells, R. (2012, May 17). Grandparents bear greater share of childcare duties. The Sydney Morning Herald National, http://www.smh.com.au/national/grandparents-bear-greater-share-of-childcare-duties-20120516-1yr9w.html.